Hi guys! Welcome to my next topic - mental illness and God.
This is probably one of the largest battles I faced - and am still facing - over my sophomore year.
Last June when flying back from Ireland I experienced the worst panic attack I have ever encountered. It lasted what seemed to be hours but in reality was only about 45 minutes. My body was uncontrollably shaking, my stomach was in knots, and I even found myself puking. (Which is a huge deal for me considering it had been 7 years since I had last thrown up). We were about to miss our flight which was even more awful for the condition I was in. I remember sitting on the bench outside the bathroom just crying - please don't make me get on that flight, I just want to lie down.
As someone who travels a LOT, this took a huge toll on me. I began stressing about my next trip to Europe which was scheduled in July. I felt defeated - not only because my panic attack had damaged my flying ability, but it also had damage my defense ability. Not throwing up for 7 years was something that I found comfort in whenever stomach bugs came around. To make things worse, the next week I found myself sick with a stomach bug and puking all night long. (Side note- am I the only one who only gets sick at night? Like why can't I throw up during the day?)
July came around and I did. not. want. to. go. Now I will admit, flying was not the only reason I did not want to go, there were other factors, but it was a huge one. However, I was determined to not let this happen again.
Before the trip I visited the doctor in hopes of getting some valium for flying. Instead of a prescription, I found myself feeling ridiculed and questioned about whether I was truly experiencing anxiety. I left the doctor crying and hopeless.
Coming back from Europe the second time, everything was going smoothly, until right before our last flight. Then came another panic attack. Not nearly as bad as the one I encountered in June, but still nothing I want to experience again. I was shaking and my stomach was turning. I felt awful.
I never wanted to travel again. I never wanted to leave my house again.
I couldn't believe God was allowing this. I had been praying for healing since I was a child for my stomach issues and instead it seemed to have been getting worse.
A week before I returned to school I visited a psychologist. I talked about my symptoms and then I took a couple of tests. Because I go to school so far away and had to go the next day, I didn't get to see my test results for a very long time. (Which was another huge pain)
A sigh of relief came when school started up again. I found my anxiety was much more at ease while I was at university, but still there.
I had two panic attacks before two important tests. They were much more similar to the panic attack in July. I had NEVER been one to become ill because of a test. I have never dealt with test anxiety EVER, even as a small child. So WHY was this happening!?
ARE YOU THERE GOD? I would cry to Him in the small chapel of my dorm. Why are You allowing this?
Over Christmas break I finally got diagnosed with anxiety. And depression. Wait what? That was surely nothing that I was expecting. I was dealing with fear but never was I not joyful?! I did not understand it.
As a psychology student I knew that these things often correspond with each other, but still - how could I be depressed!? I kept it hidden, telling people I had anxiety was no problem because I was anxious - a lot, but depressed? no way!
The icing on the cake was when I went to get medicine for it. I sat back again in that same doctor's office that I felt scolded in for even thinking about having a mental illness. I was prepared for valium or something that I could take during or before a panic attack, but instead I was prescribed a full time medication to take.
The thought of being dependent on a pill scared me, and still does a little.
Two days after trying the pill I was driving to pick my dad up from the airport when my body began to shut down. My tongue, armpits, and legs began to go numb. My vision was closing like an old tv screen. My body was shaking. And worst thing was I was driving.
Fortunately, when I got out of the car and stood up, it went away. Still, I was shocked and now terrified of the medicine that was supposed to be preventing me from having these attacks.
So why? Why? This word was circling my head.
Why did this happen? I thought I found a solution, so why did I get sick again? Why?
I know we all can get like this, wondering why our lives are going the way they are, and it's easy to get mad at God.
Why was I sick? I already had a physical illness now a mental one!?
Mental illnesses have a terrible stigma in society - but it is even WORSE in the church.
As a psychology student, I was angry that people viewed mental illness as a curse, but even more once I got diagnosed with one. (or two).
If I had a nickel for every time I heard the phrase "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7).
Okay, cool. But what am I supposed to do when the serotonin levels in my brain are LITERALLY not functioning?
If someone had a stomach ache, a headache, and felt nauseous, you wouldn't go up to them and yell "DO NOT BE ANXIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING BUT IN EVERY SITUATION..." You get the gist. You might pray for healing, but shoving Scripture down someone's throat is not usually the first thing that your mind goes to. So why is it like that when someone has a mental illness? (Also, please don't shove Scripture down anyone's throats ever, it totally doesn't make them respect you or your faith).
Mental illness is tricky because its inside your head. It can be easy to fake so people can disregard it. But you know what is also easy to fake? A stomach ache?? or headache??? twisted ankle? Those are PHYSICAL things that people fake - yet they can get attention??? I digress....
I found myself feeling attacked. Not only was I dealing with a DISEASE but people wouldn't even believe me! Even my own DOCTOR made me feel stupid for even mentioning it.
So WHY was God doing this to me!?
Guys, I wish I knew. But in the end, things happen. That's what life is. Why does God let disasters happen?
How can ME a devout Christian for around 15 years be cursed with mental illness?
The same way someone that has served God for 40 years can be diagnosed with cancer.
The social stigma given to mental illnesses is awful. I've had close friends question me for not wanting to go to a performance because I didn't like auditoriums. They didn't believe me that it was real. Y'all I know its CRAZY but its REAL.
Also, don't call people with mental illnesses crazy. Not cool man, not cool.
So where am I now?
I take the same medicine, but at a lower dosage. I have noticed such a difference.
I have started seeing a counselor and she is AMAZEBALLS.
I went to Cancun and Europe this year and have not had a panic attack.
I feel less lonely than I used to (guess I do have soooome depression after all)....
My relationship with God is good.
Once I stopped comparing mental illness to a curse and saw it more as an ILLNESS - which is what it is - I was able to forgive easier. There are still times that I become angry about my situation, but I think that happens to everyone who is not healthy.
I've found my JOY within the Lord.
In conclusion,
Dear reader, I CHALLENGE you is to STOP viewing mental illness as "crazy".
Dear Church, STOP TELLING ME TO NOT BE ANXIOUS. THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS. As much as I would LOVE for that to work, it DOES NOT. There is a CHEMICAL imbalance in my brain, its not like I burnt myself and am now scared of fire, it is a SICKNESS.
Dear Person with Mental Illness, it's gonna be okay. You are valid. Your feelings are valid. You are NOT alone. You have a LEGIT illness. You didn't get this because you sinned, you didn't get this because God is punishing you. You most likely got this because of genetics and possibly circumstance. I promise there will be good days - but there will also be bad. There are reasons to keep on going. There are people who love you, and there is a GOD WHO LOVES YOU. God is your comforter, your protector. God will not abandon you. So I give you these words of hope for a better tomorrow, because you are going to make it.
My favorite hymn is It is Well.
It may not be okay with me - I may be struggling at the moment, but in retrospect, in my relationship with God. It is Well with MY Soul.
God bless,
Kasia
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