How asking why brought me CLOSER to God - sophomore series

For those of you who do not know, I was raised by a theologian.
I was raised learning the stories of the Bible, but I was also raised learning the reason for the stories, the back stories, the authors of the stories, and the background of the authors. I was raised to ask "why?"

This past semester, I was talking with a good friend of mine about a theological subject. His stance on it was completely different than mine and I was shocked. I asked him why he was uncomfortable with my stance and his response truly frightened me. "Because it's always been that way".

John Wesley's Quadrilateral includes Scripture, Tradition, Experience, and Reason. Yes, tradition is included into John Wesley's Quadrilateral, but so was Scripture. (Also, John Wesley was a very very smart Christian man but that is also all he was...not God...). HOWEVER, the idea of Tradition often tramples the other three despite being disguised as "Scripture, Experience or Reason". To be correct, tradition in the sense of John Wesley's Quadrilateral "is experience and the witness of development and growth of the faith through the past centuries and in many nations and cultures" (The United Methodist Church), not simply "because it's always been that way." 

I think a fault in the Church is and always has been the word "why?" 

As we look at the earlier catholic church, we find this fear of the word "why?"
In some instances, the word 'why' is the reason for Martin Luther and his 95 thesis in 1517. 
Believers at this point were kept almost completely in the dark from their faith. There were (are) MULTIPLE things wrong with the Church at this time, such as relics, indulgences, and the complete political reign the church. These things were factors towards the 95 thesis.
But I believe the question "why" did take part.
Believers were denied the right to completely understand their faith. All services were performed in Latin (fun fact, this still continued until 1969), but not only was this a problem, but they were denied reading the Bible unless they were deemed Holy 'enough'.

Imagine sitting in a service in a language you did not understand, and being told to believe in things that you only heard about, never actually reading for yourself (not that this is completely gone......).
I digress.
This is what the situation was (AND YES SOMETIMES STILL IS) previous to the 95 Thesis, and the years afterwards.

Although Martin Luther's 95 thesis and his push towards Bible translations was a step in the right direction, the fear of the word 'why' still plagued the church.

People mistook this word as blasphemy rather than knowledge.

This problem can still be found within different settings of the church today.

One common situation is the idea of 'Sunday School Answers' - now sometimes these answers are justified. But when the teacher simply answers "Because that's what God does" or "Because God says so" or even just the answer, "I don't know" can be damaging. Yes. Because right then, they stop or halt that child's curiosity, which inherently halts the possibility to deepen their relationship with God.

You may be thinking that this is some of the most far fetched bologna that you have ever heard and to that I say - that's probably because you never asked God why?

Now I should probably explain what I mean by asking God 'why'
Sometimes it truly can mean looking up at the sky and yelling WHY - but that's not what this entire blog post is about.

Asking the question WHY opens doors to better understanding who God is, what our relationship is, and how I can deepen my relationship with Him.

One of the first theologically pivoting time I asked 'why' was when I was 13. My friend told me about this verse in 1 Corinthians about women in the church. I'm sure if you have been in the church for awhile, you know which verse I am talking about.
1 Corinthians 14:34, "Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says."
After reading this verse, I was CONFUSED. How could God be loving, but value one sex over the other? How could my savior Jesus die on the cross, but for one sex a little bit more than the other??? 
I had never heard this verse before and my faith began to crumble at that EXACT moment.

I instantly asked WHY to God.
I asked my theologian father why this verse was in the Bible. He told me to look at the context. This meant to look at who the author was, WHY the author was writing it, WHY this book was included into the Bible, and WHY it altered my view on God.

Incase you are wondering, 1 Corinthians was written by Paul.
Paul, who was originally known as Saul, was a devout follower of Christ. He was not one of the original 12 apostles, but was a strong contributor towards the growth of the Christian faith in the first century world.
Paul wrote 1 Corinthians to the church of Corinth.
The New Testament includes 21 epistles, which means "letters" in Greek. 13 of these epistles in the New Testament were written by Paul. Although there are 21 epistles included in the New Testament, these are NOT the only epistles written by the apostles.

It is believed that the Council of Nicea canonized the New Testament, although some scholars believe otherwise. However, who canonized the New Testament is not completely what is important here - rather than the fact that someone DID canonize the Bible. The New Testament was canonized to include guidelines, ideals, situations, and lessons to help the Christian faith. That is why these epistles are included and so widely used.

Paul wrote this epistle to the Church of Corinth because there had been complaints. There had also been a first letter Paul had wrote towards Corinth, but it did not survive the years. At this time in Paul's life, he was on his third mission and had been living in Ephesus for two years.
During this time, his church that he planted and the church of Corinth were both dealing with divisions and quarrels.
In attempt to solve the issues between the believers in the church of Corinth, Paul wrote a letter to try to address the issues head on - which is why the letter is so specific. 

The epistle Paul wrote towards the church of Corinth was in response towards its division in the church in hopes of reconciling. He wrote down guidelines and suggestions for a better church.

After learning this, it can be seen how context is so extremely important for Scripture reading. Without fully understand why Paul had written to the women in the church of Corinth, (which was because they were not being good Christians by spreading rumors and indulging themselves with materialistic things), one can assume this is meant for all women. Instead, this was meant for the women in the Corinth church, and this was how Paul was telling the head of the church to deal with the issue. 

Now, this is a good start to asking God 'why', and for my 13 year old self, I thought this was a good place to land on my stance.

Although this is a MUCH better stance than my previous one, it is still just one level up.

Next we add more studying, most question asking. 
These could include looking at different denominations and their stance on this - which I did, another way to ask and learn why is to READ.

People such as C.S. Lewis, Billy Graham, and John Piper are great places to start.

To get even more in depth, try reading diversely. Read up on different religions and why they view this same topic the way they do.

The more research I do, the more I better understand my God. The closer I feel with Him.

I have learned to ALWAYS ASK WHY. 

So many times I feel like people are like my friend in the beginning conversation believing in things the church does because they don't ask the question WHY.

I remember a story my 8th grade teacher told my class. Growing up, when her mother was making a pot roast, she always cut the back half off and used it for other meals. This made my teacher do this when she was older and cooking for her own family. Curious, she asked her mother why she had to do this. Her mother, too, became intrigued and decided to ask her mother, my teacher's grandmother. My teacher's grandmother replied, "because my pan couldn't fit the entire pot roast."
This entire time, my teacher had believed she had to cut the roast to make it right, when it reality it was from lack of questioning.

People in the church do this countless times.
I have friends and family who have solid beliefs because that's what they were told. They completely stand by beliefs simply because that's 'how their parents believed' or 'thats how it's always been'.

It not only frustrates me, but it saddens me also.
The question 'why' has let me understand God more. It has created such a deep relationship. 

If you are getting to know someone, whether it be a friend or a significant other, you find yourself asking a lot of questions. If you are truly trying to better understand someone, you will start using the word 'why'. "Why is your favorite color green?" "Why do you want to live there?" "Why are you studying what you are?"

So why not ask God these same questions? 

I see how scared the Church is at times from the word 'why'.
They take it as a lack of trust rather than a term of endearment of wanting to understand our God more. 

Now, I'm not writing this to turn your theology into mine - but I am writing this in hope that you start question WHY. 

• Examine your ideas of God, look at your theologically ideals, and ask yourself WHY do I think this. 
• If you think a certain thing because your pastor told you, I URGE you to start studying. To ask why. 
• Starting looking at the context of your verse that you use to back up your ideals, start reading books that support your idea, start reading books that don't support your theology, read up on different religions, listen to someone that believes your theology and someone who doesn't. 

I BEG you, please put WORK into your own personal theology. 
Do not believe something because your parents believe it, they may believe it for a good reason, but they may be in the same hole you are. Study together, ask questions together.

Ask your friends question, heck, ASK ME QUESTIONS! Ask me why I believe what I believe. (Just be prepared for an hour long sermon with a lot of sources)

Ask yourself WHY.

You WILL feel closer to God. You WILL better understand Him. And you will better understand yourself, you'll better understand your faith.

Therefore, I URGE YOU brothers and sisters, to ASK YOURSELF WHY YOU BELIEVE THIS. To wonder, to seek truth, and to seek God.


God bless,

Kasia.

To the College Student dealing with Mental Illness - Sophomore Series

Hi guys! Welcome to my next topic - mental illness and God. 

This is probably one of the largest battles I faced - and am still facing - over my sophomore year.

Last June when flying back from Ireland I experienced the worst panic attack I have ever encountered. It lasted what seemed to be hours but in reality was only about 45 minutes. My body was uncontrollably shaking, my stomach was in knots, and I even found myself puking. (Which is a huge deal for me considering it had been 7 years since I had last thrown up). We were about to miss our flight which was even more awful for the condition I was in. I remember sitting on the bench outside the bathroom just crying - please don't make me get on that flight, I just want to lie down. 

As someone who travels a LOT, this took a huge toll on me. I began stressing about my next trip to Europe which was scheduled in July. I felt defeated - not only because my panic attack had damaged my flying ability, but it also had damage my defense ability. Not throwing up for 7 years was something that I found comfort in whenever stomach bugs came around. To make things worse, the next week I found myself sick with a stomach bug and puking all night long. (Side note- am I the only one who only gets sick at night? Like why can't I throw up during the day?) 

July came around and I did. not. want. to. go. Now I will admit, flying was not the only reason I did not want to go, there were other factors, but it was a huge one. However, I was determined to not let this happen again. 

Before the trip I visited the doctor in hopes of getting some valium for flying. Instead of a prescription, I found myself feeling ridiculed and questioned about whether I was truly experiencing anxiety. I left the doctor crying and hopeless. 

Coming back from Europe the second time, everything was going smoothly, until right before our last flight. Then came another panic attack. Not nearly as bad as the one I encountered in June, but still nothing I want to experience again. I was shaking and my stomach was turning. I felt awful. 

I never wanted to travel again. I never wanted to leave my house again. 

I couldn't believe God was allowing this. I had been praying for healing since I was a child for my stomach issues and instead it seemed to have been getting worse. 

A week before I returned to school I visited a psychologist. I talked about my symptoms and then I took a couple of tests. Because I go to school so far away and had to go the next day, I didn't get to see my test results for a very long time. (Which was another huge pain) 

A sigh of relief came when school started up again. I found my anxiety was much more at ease while I was at university, but still there. 

I had two panic attacks before two important tests. They were much more similar to the panic attack in July. I had NEVER been one to become ill because of a test. I have never dealt with test anxiety EVER, even as a small child. So WHY was this happening!? 

ARE YOU THERE GOD? I would cry to Him in the small chapel of my dorm. Why are You allowing this? 

Over Christmas break I finally got diagnosed with anxiety. And depression. Wait what? That was surely nothing that I was expecting. I was dealing with fear but never was I not joyful?! I did not understand it. 
As a psychology student I knew that these things often correspond with each other, but still - how could I be depressed!? I kept it hidden, telling people I had anxiety was no problem because I was anxious - a lot, but depressed? no way!

The icing on the cake was when I went to get medicine for it. I sat back again in that same doctor's office that I felt scolded in for even thinking about having a mental illness. I was prepared for valium or something that I could take during or before a panic attack, but instead I was prescribed a full time medication to take. 

The thought of being dependent on a pill scared me, and still does a little. 

Two days after trying the pill I was driving to pick my dad up from the airport when my body began to shut down. My tongue, armpits, and legs began to go numb. My vision was closing like an old tv screen. My body was shaking. And worst thing was I was driving. 

Fortunately, when I got out of the car and stood up, it went away. Still, I was shocked and now terrified of the medicine that was supposed to be preventing me from having these attacks. 

So why? Why? This word was circling my head. 
Why did this happen? I thought I found a solution, so why did I get sick again? Why? 

I know we all can get like this, wondering why our lives are going the way they are, and it's easy to get mad at God. 

Why was I sick? I already had a physical illness now a mental one!? 


Mental illnesses have a terrible stigma in society - but it is even WORSE in the church. 
As a psychology student, I was angry that people viewed mental illness as a curse, but even more once I got diagnosed with one. (or two). 

If I had a nickel for every time I heard the phrase "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7). 


Okay, cool. But what am I supposed to do when the serotonin levels in my brain are LITERALLY not functioning?

If someone had a stomach ache, a headache, and felt nauseous, you wouldn't go up to them and yell "DO NOT BE ANXIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING BUT IN EVERY SITUATION..." You get the gist. You might pray for healing, but shoving Scripture down someone's throat is not usually the first thing that your mind goes to. So why is it like that when someone has a mental illness? (Also, please don't shove Scripture down anyone's throats ever, it totally doesn't make them respect you or your faith).

Mental illness is tricky because its inside your head. It can be easy to fake so people can disregard it. But you know what is also easy to fake? A stomach ache?? or headache??? twisted ankle? Those are PHYSICAL things that people fake - yet they can get attention??? I digress....

I found myself feeling attacked. Not only was I dealing with a DISEASE but people wouldn't even believe me! Even my own DOCTOR made me feel stupid for even mentioning it.

So WHY was God doing this to me!?

Guys, I wish I knew. But in the end, things happen. That's what life is. Why does God let disasters happen?

How can ME a devout Christian for around 15 years be cursed with mental illness?

The same way someone that has served God for 40 years can be diagnosed with cancer.

The social stigma given to mental illnesses is awful. I've had close friends question me for not wanting to go to a performance because I didn't like auditoriums. They didn't believe me that it was real. Y'all I know its CRAZY but its REAL.
Also, don't call people with mental illnesses crazy. Not cool man, not cool.

So where am I now?

I take the same medicine, but at a lower dosage. I have noticed such a difference.
I have started seeing a counselor and she is AMAZEBALLS.
I went to Cancun and Europe this year and have not had a panic attack.
I feel less lonely than I used to (guess I do have soooome depression after all)....

My relationship with God is good.
Once I stopped comparing mental illness to a curse and saw it more as an ILLNESS - which is what it is - I was able to forgive easier. There are still times that I become angry about my situation, but I think that happens to everyone who is not healthy.

I've found my JOY within the Lord.

In conclusion,
Dear reader, I CHALLENGE you is to STOP viewing mental illness as "crazy".
Dear Church, STOP TELLING ME TO NOT BE ANXIOUS. THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS. As much as I would LOVE for that to work, it DOES NOT. There is a CHEMICAL imbalance in my brain, its not like I burnt myself and am now scared of fire, it is a SICKNESS.
Dear Person with Mental Illness, it's gonna be okay. You are valid. Your feelings are valid. You are NOT alone. You have a LEGIT illness. You didn't get this because you sinned, you didn't get this because God is punishing you. You most likely got this because of genetics and possibly circumstance. I promise there will be good days - but there will also be bad. There are reasons to keep on going. There are people who love you, and there is a GOD WHO LOVES YOU. God is your comforter, your protector. God will not abandon you. So I give you these words of hope for a better tomorrow, because you are going to make it.


My favorite hymn is It is Well.

It may not be okay with me - I may be struggling at the moment, but in retrospect, in my relationship with God. It is Well with MY Soul.


God bless,
Kasia

To the Girl who's LIVING 27 dresses - Sophomore Series

Welcome to my first post of my sophomore series. I def stole the name from a series we had at school this year....it fits ok.

I'm going to be taking myself and my blog through the lessons I've learned and still learning throughout this year. And here's the first one...

Sophomore year was a new year! I understood college, I knew where everything was, I knew people. I had a new job! (which would turn into THREE NEW JOBS and is a complete different post) I was so EXCITED for the fun this year had in stock!!!

I also KNEW (eye roll from present day me) I was going to get a boyfriend. Yeah, that's right. I had my eyes set on someone and it was going to WORK because I had GOD ON MY SIDE. ....bruh..... But that was little naive first semester sophomore me. She had so much learn. poor girl.

Guys, I want to go into detail but I also don't want to completely ruin every relationship I have by being tooooo transparent.

Needless to say, it didn't work. Over and over and over I tried bc I REALLY LIKED THIS GUY. And God loves me!!! So why wasn't it working!?

If you go to a Christian University, you might understand my pain. If you aren't in a relationship, you are already married. If you aren't engaged by the time your 20 are you even a CHRISTIAN!? Ring by Spring is REAL YALL. ITS REAL.
You might think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not kidding when I say I stopped COUNTING when I hit 25 of my friends engaged over Christmas break. That's not counting the ones who came into the semester engaged, or the ones who got engaged over thanksgiving break, random weekends, valentines day....spring break.....anyways. You get my point.
I'm alone.

Which is something that I realllllly struggle with! I live 689 miles away from home. 689 from my family. And at the beginning of the semester, I didn't have the strong friendships like I do now. So it was hard.
On top of everything, everyone is in a relationship!?
I know this isn't true, because over half of my friends are single. But remember this is little naive pre first semester of sophomore year Kasia.

AND SHE HAD A TIMELINE YALL!!! I need to start dating NOW bc I need to be engaged by my Senior year so that I can plan my wedding and be married the day after I graduate!!!! thats how it works at a Christian college!!!!!!!!!!!!

If we fast forward to present day Kasia, she's still single. Shocker. (not to say boys haven't liked me..okay!!! I go on dates!!!!) 

I just got my fifth wedding invitation for this summer alone. And I kinda just stared at the envelope with a deadpan look of remorse. I'M 19!?!?!? AND NOT IN A RELATIONSHIPPPPPP
WOAAAAH IS MEEEE.

STOP. 
This is what this 'Christian' University culture is teaching us!!!
It happens for two reasons
- One reason is less sinister and is simply because we are surrounded by people who have the same faith of us which makes it easier to find a 'soulmate'.
- The second reason is more in depth. As a Christian culture, little girls are taught to "be fruitful and multiply!" We are shoved the words of Proverbs 31. "Be a proverbs 31 woman."
We are constantly reminded that SEX IS OF THE DEVIL UNLESS YOUR MARRIED BC ONLY MARRIED PEOPLE GET TO HAVE IT. (Don't turn a blind eye and pretend that half of these people aren't getting married quickly because they want to have sex. ITS DA TRUTH)
I'm not saying that getting married young is wrong. I'm saying that the feeling of HAVING to get married young is wrong.
I am 19 YEARS OLD. (almost 20 thank you for asking, my birthday is August 26 I like starbucks and cats) But I feel like I'm already an old maid!!! Because the timeline implanted in my head isn't working!

We watch these movies, even 27 dresses, and think "wow she's complete now, she gots a man"
Well honey boo boo, I got news for you. You were complete before a you had a man in your life. You will be complete without a man in your life. You may be a lil lonely, but you're complete.
Its hard to hear. Because of the lessons we learned as child from society - from church, from the movies, from music.
Love is the center of everything. This is true and not wrong!
But the right kind of love is often ignored. Even the church (woah what!!!) gets this wrong. As little kids we are stuffed with the story of Ruth. GO GET YOUR BOAZ!!!

You know what, maybe i WILL! But I would like to point out that Ruth was most likely around 40 years old when she married Boaz and he was about 80. Romance.

Back to the Love thing...God is LOVE. This is also something that is usually shoved down our throats as young children in Sunday School. God is love. And another truth is that love conquers ALL. But God's love is NOT a romantic love. This is a sermon that I also believe several of us have all heard before. There's storge, the family love, there's philia, the affection love, there's eros - the romantic love. But God's love is AGAPE love. Selfless love. I feel so often people, and THE CHURCH, are confusing agape with eros. We want the feeling of agape but we're using the feeling of eros to complete us. 
We NEED AGAPE love yet it seems we use EROS love instead.

So with all that being said, I would like to conclude that
1. It is OKAY to get married when you're young.
2. It is OKAY to meet your spouse in college!
3. It is NOT OKAY to teach children their entire worth is in their future spouse.
4. It is NOT OKAY to make people feel like they are worthless or less than because they are single!
5. It is NOT OKAY how the church treats single people as they are incomplete!

I know this probably sounds complete CRAZY to my friends who don't attend Christian universities that someone who is only 19 (almost 20!!!) feels like she is behind on getting married. But I know my friends that i go to school with feel this a lot!!!


So this finishes my first sophomore series of lessons I learned. You don't need a man (or woman) to complete you!!!! Live your life. If you meet someone when you're 16 or 60, thats whats meant to be.

As always,
God Bless!
Kasia.

Also, here's a video from blimeycow that completely sums up what it feels like to be single on a Christian Campus.

Loving THE Others

Hello Guys!

Long time, no blog.

Guys, this has been a blog post since I heard this sermon, and guys I’m not proud of myself being a sinner. But today I needed to share this. 

To be honest, I do not remember at all when I heard this sermon at school chapel, but I remember it the message.

The sermon was done by Dr. Luigi Penaranda. (Who, by the way, talked about having a special letter in his name that had to be taken out when he came to America. I wish I could fix it, but I cannot. PS. My last name used to have a different letter that is also not in the American alphabet.) 

In the sermon, he talked about people loving people. Which is one of the most important things we as Christians are called to do. Love God and love others.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30-31

Dr. Peneranda talked the entire chapel about LOVING those of the least of us. Loving those that are DIFFERENT. Loving THE other, not just others. 

All throughout this sermon I just wanted to stand up and shout YES! THIS IS WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY! THIS IS WHAT I MEAN IN MY LIFE!

We as CHRISTIANS are meant to LOVE THE OTHERS. Love those who are DIFFERENT. Love those who have different SKIN as us. Love those who have different NATIONALITIES as us. Love those who have different GENDERS than us. Love those who have different LANGUAGES than us. Love those who have different SEXUALITIES as us. Love those who have different RELIGIONS as us.

Does loving someone mean condoning it?

No. Loving someone means RESPECTING THEM. Loving someone means TREATING THEM LIKE A PERSON. Loving someone means that you are KIND, you are CARING, you are GENTLE. 

One of my most FAVORITE VERSES is 1 Corinthians 13:48, and I TRY my hardest to live it day in and day out. 

A reminder of what love is -  

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

LOVE is NOT boastful.

LOVE is NOT self centered. 

LOVE is NOT anger. 

And I remember being all throughout that sermon wanting to STAND UP AND SAY “YES DR. PENERANDA. YES.” 

If you know me personally, you know I get frustrated. I get so frustrated at people that don’t love THE others. As I type this right now, I am holding back tears because I get so mad that there are people that think that they matter more than another person because they are different. NO PERSON IS BETTER THAN ANY OTHER PERSON.

Let me say that just one more time.

NO PERSON IS BETTER THAN ANY OTHER PERSON.

You know why? 

Because we are ALL sinners. We are ALL SINNERS. We ALL FALL SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD. 

And there are people out there that think they are better. Because other people sin differently than them.

Guys, I get frustrated. I get so angry at these people. I wanted to stand up in the middle of the sermon and shout “ARE YOU LISTENING. DO YOU HEAR WHAT THIS MAN IS SAYING? LOVE THE OTHERS.” 

I started thinking of all the people that don't love THE others. I got mad, and then I started getting even more angry at the fact that I don’t love the people that don’t love the others.

I get so mad at these people. I want them to trip, I want them to have holes in all their socks, I want their shoes to make fart noises so that people think they did, I want them to suffer. But I shouldn’t.

I have no problem loving THE others. I have a problem loving others. 

GUYS. I don’t understand people’s lack of compassion. 

GUYS. I don’t understand why people support those who are full of HATE.

It is election year, and that is all I hear. Trump. TRUMP.

I don’t mean to make this a political entry, but if you know me, mostly everything I saw is politics.

I do NOT understand how CHRISTIANS can see something good in someone who is SO FULL OF HATE.

I see no love in that man.

I see boastfulness, I see self fulfillment, I see anger.

And then I have to step back, and I try to love others. 

I try to love others who they themselves do not love the others.

I am not perfect. I am far from perfect. I get angry, a lot. I curse and I cry because I get frustrated. 

Guys, some people NEED to work on loving THE others, and some people NEED to work on loving others (me). 

The hate needs to stop.

From me to the others, and from the others to THE others. 

God bless,

Kasia. 

How Grandma Said I Love You

As many of you know, my grandma passed away this last week.

If you know her, you know how determined she was at just about anything she did. She said what she wanted to say, did what she wanted to do, and that was that.
But if you know my family, you know we are awkward humans that don't say much about feelings.

I can remember a total of two times my grandma said she loved me. Once, when I was about four and she babysat me. She tucked me in bed and said Goodnight, love you. Another time, on a written piece a paper that she had given me for graduation this past year. But thats not the only way she said I love you.

Grandma said I love you by coming to every dance, every voice recital, every play, ever musical.
I honestly don't know if there was one that she didn't come to. And I was always greeted with a, "You did good".

As if the make up wasn't scary enough, I cried to make sure it was.

Grandma said I love you by wearing every single thing I ever bought her. And then reminding me that I had bought her that and that was why she was wearing it.

Grandma said I love you by teaching me the importance of cats. Cats are very important. Thank you Grandma.

Yes. I bought this shirt for her.

Grandma said I love you by dropping everything just to give me something I wanted. She got us in to the cutest little photo op place for prom pics, and then walked around with us even though it had to hurt so bad.

I love my grandma so I'll post this gross pic of 14 year old me.

Grandma said I love you through her small and sometimes strange presents. But let me tell you, no birthday or Christmas was ever passed without something from Grandma. I'll never forget when I was in first grade and she gave me some used kitty cat sheets. I was 6 and I thought, what the dump. Its been 12 years, and I still use them here at college. Honestly, one of the best presents I've ever received.

Grandma said I love you through her unannounced arrivals at our house multiple times a week. If the doorbell rang more than once, that's probably grandma. If someone walks straight in, that's grandma.

Grandma said I love you through her long talks of, "hmmm there seems like there's something else I need to tell you." No conversation was done before she said this at least three times.

Grandma said I love you by being a great role model for all women, to know that they are important and strong and powerful.

Grandma said I love you by bragging to everyone just how great her grandchildren were, even if they didn't know until she was gone that she did this.

Grandma said I love you by waiting for all her children to get home to see her in the hospital before saying goodbye at last.

Grandma said I love you by raising a family and leaving them as a legacy.

Grandma said I love you in so many ways.
Grandma loved me. I hope she knew that I love her too.

Love, Kasia

THE WAITING

Hi guys!
I know its been forever since I've written anything, its weird how many topics I have going on in my head that I want to share, but I know they're not completely ready to be written down yet.
However, I definitely know that this one is.
It's something that's been on my heart for a good month or so now, and I'm not gonna lie, I've honestly been dreading it.

Watch this video. Its a song from Shrek the Musical, (why there is such a thing...I don't know), and I can honestly say that I never thought I would be comparing God to a song from Shrek...but it's happening. BUT. Watch. It. It's funny. And I'm comparing things to this in my blog...so you need to understand.

Guys, the waiting. It can be so so hard. I know this song is specifically about relationships, but it can relate to waiting for almost anything. Job searching, life callings, your next step in life. You name it.

Coming to IWU has been great, but my goodness my patience is getting even thinner than it began, and trust me, there wasn't much to start with. Just like Fiona when reading the stories about princesses meeting their princes, I feel like I'm surrounded by stories just the same. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I sit there and listen to how someone waited and they got what they needed from God. So many times I just want the fact that I know that waiting is a thing to be enough for me to get what I need, to know the answers, to meet my prince, to find my job. But alas, that's not how things work.

This past month I've been pounded with verses that remind that I need to wait, this one in particular,
"If It is the Lord's will, we will do this or that." James 4:15

I'm such a planner, I need to know whats going to happen at every second at every day so I can manage accordingly, and I'm slowly discovering God doesn't quite work that way.

Waiting is learning to trust in God more. This is something I've struggled with, but when you realize God will never ever leave you, and never ever misguide you, it can become easier. God is everlasting, and never changing, "I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love which Christ Jesus our Lord shows us. We can't be separated by death or life, by angels or rulers, by anything in the present or anything in the future, by forces or powers in the world above or in the world below, or by anything else in creation." Romans 8:38-39

Waiting is stinking hard. Sometimes, that's all you have to hold on to, and I think that's okay. But it's truly making us grow closer to God through seeking comfort and a learning to listen to Him better. So whether you're dying to meet your prince charming, or just trying to figure out your next step in life, the waiting is worth something.

Fiona did her waiting, and she got Shrek. It's funny how we think we know what we want, until God gives us what we truly need. Also, again, never thought I'd use Shrek in a devotional.

So here I am, in my time of waiting, hoping that my answers will come quick, but I know they will come when I'm ready.

Now I have to write a research paper, because unlike waiting, I'm very good at procrastination.

God Bless!
Kasia

the start of something new!

Hey guys!
So much has changed since I last posted!
My age, my address, my hair, my friends

Y'all...college is weird.
It's like a small town of lack of sleep and strange smells.
I've successfully tripped on the same piece of concrete every Tuesday and Thursday, my suit mates somehow always manage to walk in while I'm in the bathroom, almost all of my old injuries have returned, and I've only attended two of the wrong classes.
But nonetheless I will say I am enjoying myself, however that statement was not always true.

If you know me at all you know that my body is weird, and if you don't know me - my body is weird.
I'm randomly sick, all the time. Physically and emotionally.
I'd gotten it under control back at home, but once I came here it began to act up again.

I find peace in normality, and if you've ever been to college, you know that nothing about it is normal.

During this time, I began to lean so heavy on God. I didn't know what the dump was happening, because school was not going great, but I knew for sure that this was definitely where I belonged. Man, was I confused.

I couldn't find my safety anymore, and it scared me.
I constantly found myself referring back to my sophomore year, one of the first times I truly felt God's love.

Towards the end of my sophomore year, as I was finishing the one of my worst sickness episodes, I was visiting a church for the second time. We were going to Poland with a team of kids from the church and my dad wanted me to get to know them better. The last time I had visited, my dad was with me the whole time. This time he left me by myself with the other kids. At first I was fine, but as the service started going, my stomach started acting up and instant panic hit me.
If you know what anxiety is, then you know asking for help is not always an option. I had learned that finding your 'happy place' was a way to stop the pain, and for me my happy place at the moment could only be my dad. I tried so hard to ask someone if they knew where my dad was, but I couldn't find the strength.
I started to panic, "I can't find my dad, God, please help me" and then He goes all Star Wars on me, "I am your Father, too."
And it stopped.
We always say in church, God the Father and I am a child of God, but we so easily pass by the meaning behind those terms.
I can't even explain the amount of peace that overwhelmed me. I wish I could express how powerful that moment was in my life, but these words are the only way I can.

And during my first moments in college, I needed that story so bad. God is in control, and by golly everything happens for a reason. I'm finding my place here, and my place in His plan. If I've learned one thing in college it's that listening to God is necessary, and that gen eds are actually awful.

So I hope through my story, you can find comfort in your Heavenly Father.

Psalm 46:1-3
God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam    and the mountains quake with their surging.

God Bless,
Kasia! 

Also, proof that I have made a life and dyed my hair.